Metamorphosing mentality,uniquely complex; surviving myself.
Over the past month or so I have been doing a lot of focusing on me as I take back my life from the crippling depression of the last year. Part of this taking-care-of-me-project is fulfilling my dream of going back to college. I am thrilled to say that I start classes this week at a local university. I can’t begin to describe how excited I am to be taking this step after thirteen years of having to put it off.
In my English 1001, one of the assignments is to create a six-word memoir. Do y’all have any idea how hard that is for me? I love to talk, I love words, lots of words, as any reader of mine is sure to know. Oh, I was struggling with this, how do I put every bit of who I am into just six words? How could I convey to my teacher and my fellow students the complexities that make me, well me?
Then it hit me, the semicolon.
A semicolon is used in a sentence when instead of ending the thought the author decides to continue. It also has a larger meaning in the world of people suffering from a mental illness caused by depression and anxiety, for people who self-harm and think of suicide, for people like me. It’s a reminder that my story isn’t over and you can bet your bottom I’m saving up my pennies to get it tattooed on my wrist. For now, I draw it on daily, it’s my affirmation every morning. My way of saying that my depression and anxiety don’t get to determine when my story ends.
I am not sure what my final six words will be, but I am closer and it’s all because of the power of a semicolon; who would have thought.
What a crazy month. Two years ago Mike and I bought this gorgeous home with every intention of it becoming our forever home. Life likes to throw curveballs though and our plans had to change. Mike works from home as a computer programmer for Wal-Mart and I now homeschool Hayley. This means our three bedroom one level home can start to feel very crowded with three out of the four of us always present. The noise level alone can get high enough that Mike’s coworkers comment on it when he is on conference calls. After a lot of discussion and indecision, we finally settled on selling our current home to purchase a bigger one that fits our needs more. Four months ago we stuck a for sale sign in our front yard and prayed.
These four months have taught us patience and the common sense behind not getting ones hopes up. We fell in love with this gorgeous one story four bedroom home that a pool in the back yard. The fourth bedroom would have worked as an office for Mike, complete with its own bathroom. Then there was the pool. Y’all this pool was awesome,perfectly located so the kids and dogs had a yard to play in and long enough that I could do laps.
There was one problem, a large one, we had not sold our home yet.
Taking a leap of faith we put in an offer on the house with the contingency that ours had to sell first, then we waited. We waited for two months and not one single offer came in despite the fact that we had multiple showings a week. Mike and I joked that HGTV and all their house selling shows give false impressions on how fast this process actually takes. Our two-month deadline came and the couple who were selling the home we wanted decided to take their house off the market instead of letting us extend our contract.
We took a week to think things over and with encouragement from our realtor decided to leave our house on the market. We started looking around again and found our dream home. A wonderful two story, with four bedrooms, an upstairs family room, on a lake and plenty of room to add a pool and still have a yard for the girls and the dogs. Despite second thoughts and worries over losing another home, we had fallen in love with we once again put in an offer contingent on our home selling with yet another deadline of two months.
This time, we decided that if our home didn’t sell we would keep going and trust that when the right time came along plans would fall into place. By the end of July, we began to sweat a bit, our contract was coming up and there wasn’t anything comparable to the house we wanted on the market. With just a few weeks left until the deadline we chose to take a trip to Bentonville, AR so Mike could go into the office and I could unwind with the girls while visiting friends. The second day there we got a call from our realtor company wanting to show the house,nothing unusual,up to this point we were still averaging three showings a week.
Flash forward a few days later.
We were saying our goodbyes to some great friends in preparation to head home when Mike’s cell started ringing. Low and behold it was our realtor but this time instead of setting up a showing she was calling to tell us we had an offer on our home, one week before our deadline was up. Y’all I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. See we had an offer but the young person had low-balled us on the price of the house and asked for way more than what we were willing to offer for closing costs. After a bit of back and forth on our part, we counter offered with a bit more reasonable amounts and started the waiting game. The lovely couple selling their home to us were gracious enough to extend our contract and ease our fears on losing yet another house. It took another four days of negotiating before we settled on a satisfactory selling price and closing costs. That was July 28, here it is August 17 and I can officially say we are moving. My house is starting to look more like a warehouse than a home, I’m out of packing paper, and I can’t take the sound of tape ripping along boxes anymore, yet there is still more to pack. Ya know what,though? I don’t mind a bit because in two weeks this will be our forever home. I can’t wait to start our journey there.
I go lost in zen-tangling last night and stayed up till dawn finishing up a moose skull. I’d forgotten how cathartic the repetitiveness of zen-tangling could be.
This my first try at zen-tangling in an animal silhouette and I’m just thrilled with how well it turned out. Definitely need to work on how stead my hand is as i draw the smaller lines but for the first time in over a year I couldn’t be happier with it.
It’s nearly 3 am and I should be sleeping but my mind is racing in a hazy fog. There are so many thoughts pouring through that I can’t sleep.
Went to my mother-in-laws around 5 yesterday evening and spent my time there painting rooms until 1 am. I have to go back tomorrow to add a second coat to one room, paint the trim (because when they painted the rooms 11 years ago they screwed it up royally), and paint the kitchen cabinets and doors. Left her house feeling high from being stuck in two very small poorly ventilated rooms that took two to three coats a piece in paint. And of course not thinking about what I was doing I took a half of one of my muscle relaxers when I did get home and now I’m very floaty.
I’m 33, I have no business being this high but I am and I guess I’ll enjoy this fleeting feeling.
I keep thinking about how much my depression affected me this last year and how much I didn’t notice it until just a few days ago. I had a huge break down in June and I did start putting myself back together with help from my loved ones; however, I was focusing on day to day healing and not looking deep into the wounds I had create. Over the past few days though I have taken a long look at the bigger picture and realized how much of my life I let slip away.
I need to fix that. Blogging is one of the things that I let fall to the side along with my art. So starting this week I am going to focus more on the things I enjoyed before depression stole them from me.